I haven't been posting a lot lately. Partly because I don't have a lot of time these days and partly because I try not to be negative on my blog, and I am finding it very hard to stay positive all the time. I was sure my entire life that I wouldn't want kids. Wrong. Once I realized having kids might be alright, I was sure I would be fine with working and leaving them with a sitter. WRONG.
I am really struggling with my life right now. I know I should be grateful for the many blessings that I have. I am so blessed to have such a wonderful place to work. I am blessed to have my mom available to watch Taylor right now, and I am blessed to have found a good baby sitter I will be taking her to in the future. I am also very blessed to have a fantastic husband.
I think I struggle the most when I haven't had a lot of sleep and last night was a hard one. I got about 3 1/2 hours straight and another hour in there somewhere. I broke down into tears at one point and started feeling like all of Taylor's issues are my fault.
Before I went back to work Taylor was taking 3 hour and half naps a day and sleeping 4 to 6 hours straight every night. Ever since I have been back things have been super unpredictable. Part of that was the teething I know, but I am just feeling like the inconsistency is making Taylor cranky and not wanting to sleep.
This morning I was feeling three things: I am disgusting and overweight, I am not a good mom, and I am not a good wife.
I really wish I could quit my job like NOW, but I can't. Money is a lot tighter right now than before Taylor was born (that's a given), and we wouldn't be able to pay our bills if I quit work. But even though I work for a great company, it has been a month and a half and I just flat don't want to be at work every day. I feel like things were better with me, Taylor & Scott before I came back to work. I 3/4 of my baby weight right away, and was staying there, but after I came back to work, I gained 10 lbs. Right after I came home from the hospital, I was more in love with my husband than I had ever been. Now, he feels like the room mate. Like I never spend time with him and take care of him.
A while back in a writing class I took at BYU, I wrote a paper about success. My definition of success was to have a happy marriage and family. I may be doing well at work and my boss has an abundance of nice things to say about me since I got back, but I feel like a total failure. I don't have a happy husband and daughter.
This is really me venting because I am tired, which makes me a little more grumpy. I know this time will pass and everything will get better. I am just struggling to put on a happy face.
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3 comments:
This makes me sad for you. I hope things get better. Now you know why we chose to upend our lives after Cora was born. I just couldn't work. Its just too hard, you are stronger than me.
Hang in there. There is always a hard transition period, especially with a teething baby! Things will calm down and get back to being manageable...it just takes time. Don't worry about the baby weight, it will come off. It took me over a year to get my pregnancy weight off this last time. You are doing your best! Being a tired mom, takes a toll on everyone and that's just how it is. BUT things will get better, your baby will get back on a schedule and you will get more sleep. Once you have better sleep, you will feel so much better, which makes everyone feel better. Motherhood is a huge sacrifice, and you are doing a great job with that sacrifice!!
h man, I know how you feel. I really do. Just remember, this is temporary!! Even though you're going to keep working awhile, the feeling of being out of control and having everything suck will end. Like Taylorm1984 said, hand in there. It will get better!
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