5 Months

Baby Taylor is 5 months now! I can't believe it. She is growing so fast. She is so big and so active. She wants to be moving all the time. She has been eating "solid" food for a month now and it depends on the day how well she does. She started out pretty rough, then got better, and now it seems like she is always distracted when I try to feed her. She will get the hang of it sooner or later. Right now it is like she just doesn't want to sit still to eat. Hopefully that goes away! I think part of the problem is I am feeding her in the bumbo and we need to get an actual space saver high chair instead. I think she would be more restricted that way.
We have been pretty sure that she is still teething. After the first two came in, we got a small break and then she seemed to be in pain again, but the last two days she hasn't acted like there is much pain. Who knows, baby teeth a little unpredictable.
She still smiles a lot and most of the time she is a joy. She can get frustrating at bed time and during feeding time, but she enjoys her baths and playing with mom and dad. We take her outside every night before bed and she LOVES to be outside. She loves to watch the wind blow through the trees and will make all sorts of excited noises out there.

She does a lot of crunches when you lay her down. She doesn't like to be laying flat. She wants to be up and moving, so she will lift her head and shoulders and her legs and try to get up. It doesn't work, but it is super cute. We did buy her a exerciser/activity center that she gets to be upright in. She didn't like it at first, but I think she is getting to be a little more fond of it. 

She has started going to her new baby sitter, and she seems to really like her. She is taking better naps now and she smiles like crazy when I drop her off. I am so glad we found someone that will work for us. She doesn't have a day care center and won't take more than two kids. Right now she has Taylor all the time and a friend's daughter once a week. It is really ideal for us, and she really is great and she seems to love what she does. It would be even better if I could stay home, but this is a better solution than a lot of our options.
Now if we could only get Taylor to sleep better at night...

Taylor's Blessing

We finally had Taylor's blessing on Saturday August 20th. With it being Scott's first blessing, we decided to do it privately. We reserved the relief society room and the pavilion and had the blessing inside and then a lunch for our family after. All of our siblings made it to the blessing except for one.
Scott gave Taylor an amazing blessing and of course I cried. It was really special.

Taylor did really well even though I scheduled the blessing right during her nap time. We didn't get very many good pictures though. Taylor did well for the blessing, but wasn't loving picture time. Guess she takes after Scott. I don't particularly love getting pictures taken right now either, but for different reasons ;)

After the blessing we had A LOT of food. We ordered a 7 ft Sensuous Sandwich which was a big hit and both sets of parents and my sister brought salads and fruits and veggies. We had to wait a little while after the blessing to eat, so I guess I didn't plan that part the best, but hey, it was my first time doing something like this, so I am not going to beat myself up about it. All in all, I thought it went really well and everything turned out really nicely. I am so happy to be blessed with a husband who is a worthy priesthood holder. It was a great day.

Demo Derby 2011

We have started a little tradition of going to the demolition derby in Nephi every year. This year was a little bit crazy. Right after the first heat, a big storm came in. The wind was blowing so hard there was dust everywhere and there was no way we would have seen the cars running into each other if they had been going. Then they called announced that the Fire Marshall had declared an emergency and because of the lightning we all needed to get out of the bleachers for at least 1/2 hour. So we all went and sat in our cars for a while. The storm sort of past and we all went back out. I think some people left, and it was chilly, but this derby was awesome. This was the first time Scott or I had seen a car get completely flipped over, and it happened TWICE! I had forgotten my camera, but my sister took this pic on her phone:

This was the second time. The car on bottom actually had a fire and that is why the firetruck is there. We left right after the grudge match because it was getting late and we needed to get Taylor home. She was sleeping soundly at her grandparents house. I was soooo glad we didn't take her to the derby to be out in the crazy weather. We had a good time overall I think. When the wind wasn't blowing and it wasn't rainy, it wasn't too bad.

This is Reality

I haven't been posting a lot lately. Partly because I don't have a lot of time these days and partly because I try not to be negative on my blog, and I am finding it very hard to stay positive all the time. I was sure my entire life that I wouldn't want kids. Wrong. Once I realized having kids might be alright, I was sure I would be fine with working and leaving them with a sitter. WRONG.
I am really struggling with my life right now. I know I should be grateful for the many blessings that I have. I am so blessed to have such a wonderful place to work. I am blessed to have my mom available to watch Taylor right now, and I am blessed to have found a good baby sitter I will be taking her to in the future. I am also very blessed to have a fantastic husband.
I think I struggle the most when I haven't had a lot of sleep and last night was a hard one. I got about 3 1/2 hours straight and another hour in there somewhere. I broke down into tears at one point and started feeling like all of Taylor's issues are my fault.
Before I went back to work Taylor was taking 3 hour and half naps a day and sleeping 4 to 6 hours straight every night. Ever since I have been back things have been super unpredictable. Part of that was the teething I know, but I am just feeling like the inconsistency is making Taylor cranky and not wanting to sleep.
This morning I was feeling three things: I am disgusting and overweight, I am not a good mom, and I am not a good wife.
I really wish I could quit my job like NOW, but I can't. Money is a lot tighter right now than before Taylor was born (that's a given), and we wouldn't be able to pay our bills if I quit work. But even though I work for a great company, it has been a month and a half and I just flat don't want to be at work every day. I feel like things were better with me, Taylor & Scott before I came back to work. I 3/4 of my baby weight right away, and was staying there, but after I came back to work, I gained 10 lbs. Right after I came home from the hospital, I was more in love with my husband than I had ever been. Now, he feels like the room mate. Like I never spend time with him and take care of him.
A while back in a writing class I took at BYU, I wrote a paper about success. My definition of success was to have a happy marriage and family. I may be doing well at work and my boss has an abundance of nice things to say about me since I got back, but I feel like a total failure. I don't have a happy husband and daughter.
This is really me venting because I am tired, which makes me a little more grumpy. I know this time will pass and everything will get better. I am just struggling to put on a happy face.